Forgive me Nellie
My first memory of Nellie was in 1983 when I started working as a waiter at a Mexican restaurant in the town where I lived. She was an illegal Mexican national who found sanctuary among her family in their little ethnic neighborhood. She worked as one of the bussers in the restaurant and she could hardly speak a word of English. But Nellie learned fast and became brilliantly proficient in her second language. Soon we were sharing jokes and carrying on like old pals. She was only 13 years old then and one could tell right away that she was going to be really pretty when she finished growing up.
As the years went by I watched her grow into a beautiful woman. Her English was now nearly as good as mine. I smiled when she got her first boyfriend. Man, young lovers are such dorks. She had plans to go to school and I never doubted her desire to get ahead and make something of herself. This girl was determined! I think she wanted to go into communications and I realized right then that one day she would be making three times my yearly pay. Shocking to comprehend really. Oh well, maybe she'd feel pity for The Fool and give him a job one day.
It's funny how the fickle hand of fate can stop even the most determined among us. When Nellie was 18 or so she somehow found herself pregnant and being from the strict Catholic family she was, decided to have the baby. One of the other waitresses agreed to be her Lamaze partner and nine months later she went into labor on a night I was at work. I remember this other waitress, Lisa, came to work completely oblivious to the news that Nellie was having her baby. When she found out she dashed out the door in a panic to the hospital wondering why no one had told her. It all worked out alright though and a few hours later her new baby boy, Sean, was born. Later in life they would refer to him as Seaney.
Sean grew up fast and before long he was a nine year old with all the energy and rambunctiousness that nature could give him. Popular in school and active on the youth soccer team he looked like he was going far, just like his Mom. I remember seeing the little guy drop by the restaurant every day after school as it was along the way back to his house. Nellie doted on him and never regretted her decision to put her life on hold so she could bring Sean into this world and give him everything he needed. She told me once that nothing was going to stop her and that one day she'd get back on track to her studies to make something of herself so she wouldn't have to work in restaurants all her life like her mother. She had a plan and she would one day make it work.
Fate is a funny thing. It makes life easy for some and difficult for others and not once have I seen a shred of fairness to it all. One day Seaney felt more tired than usual and it didn't go away. His fatigue seemed chronic but when they took him to the doctor they were shocked to find out that he had leukemia. Little Sean was put on a course of chemotherapy treatments and he soon lost all his hair. His strength dissipated as well and for what seemed like ages he existed in a strange netherworld between the living and the dead. Not being able to run and play with the other boys he'd watch from the sidelines or on his bad days be confined to bed rest. Nellie held up well, coming to work and waiting on tables like the rest of us and never complaining about her lot in life.
It was touch and go for more than a year. After he turned 11 years old Sean seemed to have it licked. He was in remission and had managed to run the gauntlet into what seemed like a new lease on life. And that's how it went as friends and family breathed a sigh of relief as somehow they all had dodged a huge bullet and Sean looked like he was falling into clover. I thought to myself at the time how awful it must have been for this little kid to be thinking about life and death issues at his young age. I thought of Nellie and all she'd been through, having a child when she was a child herself, putting her big plans on hold as she took time out to raise her little boy. The love of her life. She's known more fear, love and pain in her young life than I had in mine and she did it with grace, dignity and class. But it was not over.
I had stopped working at the restaurant by late 1999 and had moved on to greener pastures. I lost touch with Nellie but saw her around town now and then. It's funny how people just drift out of your life but I guess that's what we do to get by. As it turned out my new job became the focus of my life along with the people in it. Before you knew it a couple more years had passed by and you wonder where it all went.
In the summer of 2002 Sean got sick again. The luekemia came roaring back with a vengence and Seaney had to go back on chemo. He'd barely had time to recover from his last ordeal so this time it hit him harder. The autumn was a rough one for him as he fought it off as best he could. I was frantically preparing to move to Southern California and was busy making preparations during December of that year when I ran into Al, my old boss from the restaurant. He mentioned that Sean was having a really tough time and to see if I could go talk to Nellie to cheer her up a bit. I said I'd try but deep down I knew I couldn't. My excuse was that I was busy moving, that I would literally be driving a moving van down south in a matter of days. But I was actually hiding my real fear of facing Nellie and trying to figure out what I would say to her. It really isn't like me to be afraid to confront lifes lessons like this. I wish I knew why I couldn't at least be there for Nellie, to give a kind word. It wouldn't have cost a thing and I could have lifted her spirits like nobody else. But I didn't.
I moved down to sunny SoCal on December 31st, 2002. There I would stay until I moved to Ohio over a year and a half later. In the back of my mind I would think about Nellie and Sean. I didn't know what had happened to the little boy as I'd left town while he was still putting up a fight. In truth, I think I was afraid to know. Tonight I decided to find out. I searched all over the internet for his name, dreading what I might find but hoping that he'd beaten it again. I almost expected to see his name on the honor role for 8th grade students at his school. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect but I soon found out what had happened to Sean. I came across a newspaper account that had mentioned how he'd lost the battle to luekemia and that his brother was so devastated he couldn't play with his basketball team. The team had dedicated their play during the playoffs to Sean and that added inspiration had propelled them to some unlikely wins over much stronger opponents.
He's gone. Now I know. Now all I have to do is pick up that phone and call Nellie. Tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her when she needed a friend. I was too busy...no...I was just chickenshit. Either way, I wasn't there for a friend. Nellie deserved better.
As the years went by I watched her grow into a beautiful woman. Her English was now nearly as good as mine. I smiled when she got her first boyfriend. Man, young lovers are such dorks. She had plans to go to school and I never doubted her desire to get ahead and make something of herself. This girl was determined! I think she wanted to go into communications and I realized right then that one day she would be making three times my yearly pay. Shocking to comprehend really. Oh well, maybe she'd feel pity for The Fool and give him a job one day.
It's funny how the fickle hand of fate can stop even the most determined among us. When Nellie was 18 or so she somehow found herself pregnant and being from the strict Catholic family she was, decided to have the baby. One of the other waitresses agreed to be her Lamaze partner and nine months later she went into labor on a night I was at work. I remember this other waitress, Lisa, came to work completely oblivious to the news that Nellie was having her baby. When she found out she dashed out the door in a panic to the hospital wondering why no one had told her. It all worked out alright though and a few hours later her new baby boy, Sean, was born. Later in life they would refer to him as Seaney.
Sean grew up fast and before long he was a nine year old with all the energy and rambunctiousness that nature could give him. Popular in school and active on the youth soccer team he looked like he was going far, just like his Mom. I remember seeing the little guy drop by the restaurant every day after school as it was along the way back to his house. Nellie doted on him and never regretted her decision to put her life on hold so she could bring Sean into this world and give him everything he needed. She told me once that nothing was going to stop her and that one day she'd get back on track to her studies to make something of herself so she wouldn't have to work in restaurants all her life like her mother. She had a plan and she would one day make it work.
Fate is a funny thing. It makes life easy for some and difficult for others and not once have I seen a shred of fairness to it all. One day Seaney felt more tired than usual and it didn't go away. His fatigue seemed chronic but when they took him to the doctor they were shocked to find out that he had leukemia. Little Sean was put on a course of chemotherapy treatments and he soon lost all his hair. His strength dissipated as well and for what seemed like ages he existed in a strange netherworld between the living and the dead. Not being able to run and play with the other boys he'd watch from the sidelines or on his bad days be confined to bed rest. Nellie held up well, coming to work and waiting on tables like the rest of us and never complaining about her lot in life.
It was touch and go for more than a year. After he turned 11 years old Sean seemed to have it licked. He was in remission and had managed to run the gauntlet into what seemed like a new lease on life. And that's how it went as friends and family breathed a sigh of relief as somehow they all had dodged a huge bullet and Sean looked like he was falling into clover. I thought to myself at the time how awful it must have been for this little kid to be thinking about life and death issues at his young age. I thought of Nellie and all she'd been through, having a child when she was a child herself, putting her big plans on hold as she took time out to raise her little boy. The love of her life. She's known more fear, love and pain in her young life than I had in mine and she did it with grace, dignity and class. But it was not over.
I had stopped working at the restaurant by late 1999 and had moved on to greener pastures. I lost touch with Nellie but saw her around town now and then. It's funny how people just drift out of your life but I guess that's what we do to get by. As it turned out my new job became the focus of my life along with the people in it. Before you knew it a couple more years had passed by and you wonder where it all went.
In the summer of 2002 Sean got sick again. The luekemia came roaring back with a vengence and Seaney had to go back on chemo. He'd barely had time to recover from his last ordeal so this time it hit him harder. The autumn was a rough one for him as he fought it off as best he could. I was frantically preparing to move to Southern California and was busy making preparations during December of that year when I ran into Al, my old boss from the restaurant. He mentioned that Sean was having a really tough time and to see if I could go talk to Nellie to cheer her up a bit. I said I'd try but deep down I knew I couldn't. My excuse was that I was busy moving, that I would literally be driving a moving van down south in a matter of days. But I was actually hiding my real fear of facing Nellie and trying to figure out what I would say to her. It really isn't like me to be afraid to confront lifes lessons like this. I wish I knew why I couldn't at least be there for Nellie, to give a kind word. It wouldn't have cost a thing and I could have lifted her spirits like nobody else. But I didn't.
I moved down to sunny SoCal on December 31st, 2002. There I would stay until I moved to Ohio over a year and a half later. In the back of my mind I would think about Nellie and Sean. I didn't know what had happened to the little boy as I'd left town while he was still putting up a fight. In truth, I think I was afraid to know. Tonight I decided to find out. I searched all over the internet for his name, dreading what I might find but hoping that he'd beaten it again. I almost expected to see his name on the honor role for 8th grade students at his school. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect but I soon found out what had happened to Sean. I came across a newspaper account that had mentioned how he'd lost the battle to luekemia and that his brother was so devastated he couldn't play with his basketball team. The team had dedicated their play during the playoffs to Sean and that added inspiration had propelled them to some unlikely wins over much stronger opponents.
He's gone. Now I know. Now all I have to do is pick up that phone and call Nellie. Tell her how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her when she needed a friend. I was too busy...no...I was just chickenshit. Either way, I wasn't there for a friend. Nellie deserved better.
Comments
i left knowing that he was battling serious addiction issues, and where i attempted to keep contact with several people, i never did with chris. somehow, i think i knew it'd be easier to not know.
but it was difficult to find out so long after the fact.